Relationships

As a working mother one of my toughest challenges is managing relationships.

Relationships with my husband is at the top of my list.  I am in the school of thought that if mommy & daddy aren't healthy & well the family unit isn't healthy & well.  So we spend a great deal of time working on our relationship.  Granted it's not such a hard job seeing as how my husband is my bestest friend in the whole wide world.  I love him to the depths of my soul.

Relationships with my children are right there at the top as well.  I try my best to devote individual time to each of them as much as I can.  I also encourage my husband to take as much one on one time with each of them as he can.  Just this past week my husband took our oldest daughter on a daddy date.  The original plan was for us to go on this date, but after no success in finding a sitter he decided it was best to take her.  She was so excited and have an amazing time!  He is going to take the other daughter out this weekend on a daddy date too...so I feel we do a pretty good job at fostering a relationship with our children.

Next on my list is my relationship with my family.  I work really hard to communicate as best I can with all of them.  I have a very special relationship with my sister.  I truly feel she is the ONLY person in the world I can tell everything to.  I'd love to be able to say that about my mother, but she is always the devil's advocate and doesn't always let me just vent or try to help me fix things.  She's very passive.  My relationship with my father isn't the greatest.  I have a lot of childhood memories that aren't so fond of my dad.  I do long for a relationship with him like my girls have and hope to have with my husband.  But we take what we are handed.  My brother and I have a strange relationship.  He is busy providing for his family while his wife stays home with their children.  He is stressed, every time I see him I long to help him.  I feel like he is a lost boy.  I am proud of the man he has become but I miss the boy he once was.  We do not talk as much as I would like, but I know one day we will have a closer relationship...at least I hope.

The most difficult of my relationships to maintain and manage are my friendships.  I am not the best at keeping up with people on a daily basis.  Life is busy so my friends unfortunately take the back seat.  I don't like to talk on the phone...at all.  So most of my communication with friends is done via text or social media.  We live in a small town and as much as I'd like to go out and hang out with friends regularly, I don't share a whole lot in common with most moms in this area my age.  I have a handful of friends that I talk to on a monthly basis, and one or two that I talk to weekly.
Why are these the hardest relationships for me?
The idea of going out for a drink after work doesn't appeal to me, I miss my kids.
The idea of going on a "girls weekend" away sounds pretty luxurious, but I would miss my kids.
The idea of going to get a pedicure and lunch on a Saturday sounds great, but I would miss time spent with my kids.

My time is precious so it's very difficult for me to devote any time to anyone other than my family.  With only evenings and weekends to use I have a hard time trusting anyone with those precious hours.  When we first moved to NC I was really excited to have some friends and be able to have a social life again.  In the 6 years since we've moved here I have realized that some relationships just aren't worth the energy.  Some relationships only add drama to my life.  So friendship take the back seat.

I see photos on social media of ladies who do girls' nights out, and I've been to my fair share of those.  I've seen photos of GROUPS of girlfriends doing weekends away or various different things.  Even groups of girlfriends going out WITH their children to do fun outings.  I don't fit into that idea.  I've never had a large group of girlfriends, I don't foresee ever being a part of a large group of girlfriends.  I'm more apt to have one or two really close friends than a GROUP of girlfriends.  This concept of groups doing things together fascinates me.  When I feel insecure about the fact I'm not invited to group outings or girl's weekends away I remind myself that perception is everything.  We don't know from a photo the depth of a relationship.  I would prefer to have a few really close relationships with people I can count on than a ton of "friends" that I barely can trust.  Now I'm not saying these groups of women can't trust one another, it's just my way of coping with the idea that I'm not fit for that type of friend-setting.

I find the friendships that have lasted through the years are those that understand my hectic life.  The friends who also have a hectic life and understand my daily struggles.  Friendships where we can go long periods of time without talking and still pick up right where we left off.  ...then again, I may have just defined what a TRUE friend is.  SO that is half the battle...determining WHO is WORTH your time and a TRUE BLUE friend.

My most important relationship of all is with my God.  I wish I were better about maintaining this relationship.  We don't attend church regularly, I don't pray and talk with Him as often as I should.  I do know He is always there.  He is the reason I have been so blessed and my goal is to work hardest on my relationship with Him.

What relationships are the most difficult for you?  What do you do to strengthen your most important relationship?

Helping

At what point does helping your child, hinder them?

Ava has a book report due this week.  She has to make a foam pumpkin into a character from her book.  She will also dress as the character with pumpkin in hand and parade across the stage at school.  She chose a book about a bunny.

I took her to the craft store and we spent $11.36 on a foam pumpkin and a few supplies for her to begin her project.  I instructed her to lay out a towel on the floor in our freshly shampooed living room floor and make her pumpkin into a bunny.  I didn't offer any suggestions on how EXCEPT to perhaps paint it white first.  So she painted it white.  She was SO anxious for it to dry, and when it did she began creating her bunny.  She decided this bunny needed to be a princess.  (Obviously!  A plain white bunny is SO boring!)  She pasted gems, hearts, & flowers on her.  She made the mouth out of a flower so it looks like it is kissing. She asked for my help on the whiskers, so I obliged, but was sure to make them just as I thought she would.  She loved them.  Then it came down to the ears.  The ears are perhaps the most important part of the bunny, because it makes you understand what the animal is.  I could have pulled out a bunny headband she had in her dress up chest upstairs and hot glue it on for her.  I could have constructed something life-like for her to attach.  I did none of those things.  I let her create them on her own, using the supplies she had and her imagination.  She took her favorite ribbon, a blue, pink & black high school musical ribbon, and cut and folded it perfectly.  She then glued the ears on.  She did an amazing job and requested no help from me.  She was so proud.  I AM SO PROUD OF HER!  I will cherish this pumpkin.

Later that night while perusing social media, a friend of mine posted a photo of her son's pumpkin.  It was a lion.  The most realistic looking lion pumpkin I have ever seen.  I am still trying to figure out HOW she (he) did it.  My best guess is they gutted the head of a stuffed animal and slipped it on top of the pumpkin.  I have NO idea how they did it.  It's gorgeous.  BUT it's not his work.  I was snarky and said something about "wow, Ava might get an F if that is her competition" she responded saying that "he did all the work, I just helped with the concept"  YEAH FREAKING RIGHT.  I refrain from posting a photo of the lion pumpkin...but just imagine a realistic lion, and that's it.

At what point does helping your child hinder them?

I sat down and talked with Ava after seeing this.  I told her how gorgeous her pumpkin turned out and how proud of her I was that she did it all on her own.  I told her that she will likely see some pretty fancy pumpkins this week but to remember that she did her's on her own and that many kid's parents may like to take over projects and HELP them a bit more than they should.  I told her over and over how beautiful and perfect her pumpkin is.  I will save this pumpkin forever.

Parents, let's think about what we are doing when we "Help" our children.  What are they learning if you are doing everything for them?  What are they learning if you dictate HOW to use their imagination?  What are they learning if when they get frustrated you simply take over?

My hope is that Ava's teacher encourages her when she sees her pumpkin.  My hope is that she also encourages the child who did not do their own work.  I hope that she encourages him to stand up for himself and insist he do it on his own next time.  I hope that he gains the independence Ava did on this simple project.